Get it off your chest!

I swear it seems like it was just yesterday i last spoke to you. Its been almost a year and not a day doesnt go by that i dont miss you. How angry i still feel everyday youre not here. Haunted by the many what ifs that still roll around inside my head. Still struggle to process the idea of never. Never being able to see you or hear your voice again, never being able to touch or hug you or tell you that i love you.

Its maddening to think about

But when i feel like the despair has finally won im reminded of our last conversation. You told me you loved me and somehow even despite being faced with your own mortality you feared not for yourself but for me and how id react if something were to happen to you. When i think about the selflessness it took to do that, Im empowered by a strength i never knew i had thanks to you. I wish i could thank you, but you were my mom, you knew what you were doing. You knew exactly how id react and i just cant help but smile when i realize how fortunate i was to have you in my life even if the time was cut short.

Thank you and ill always Love you mom

 

I usually wake up at 4 pm and today I was supposed to have an appointment at 3:30 pm and so naturally I woke up an hour early in order to prepare.. only to wake up, get naked, hop in the shower and then boom! no water! I could feel my blood starting to boil as I had been debating whether or not I should just shower before sleeping and then I got all lazy "naaaah I'll just do it when I wake up".

Don't procrastinate, people..

 

== have to start from scratch...
Slowly ba

 

Two lines often referring to pregnancy signs afaik, but now two lines only show results about covid
Positive is a nice word, however Im just feel scary of the word "positive" now

 

I’m done w/ people that put me last, or don’t prioritize me like they do others..Cya

 

I really hate insomnia

 

To ask is a moment's shame, not to ask, a
lifetime's
They also say that to answer is a moment's
smug-ness, not to answer, a lifetime

 

and now you're banned.. that didn't last long lol

 

gonna go get my eyes checked cause idk what i saw in you

 

It's been over a month since the last time I posted a poem here.
I've been struggling every fucking day.
I'm stuck with the same feelings, thoughts & heartache.
I swear there hasn't been a single day I haven't cried ever since.
It's been too long for me, and I really can't stand it anymore.

I keep waking up at 4 a.m.
I'm not sleeping well, I'm not resting.
I wake up drenched in tears every time I open my eyes and it's still dark and I'm alone in bed.

I'm afraid of sleeping now.
I'm afraid of waking up.
I'm afraid of going out.
I'm afraid of people.
I'm frightened by life again.

Everything around me is a trigger that reminds me of you.
We lived together, we made so much life together.
You became my reason. My purpose and my muse.

From pancakes to a toothbrush.
From flowers to roads.
From numbers to clothes.
From intimacy to musical notes.

The cold reminds me of you.
Everything around me has your color.
And it's wrecking me.

I fucking despise drugs. I won't ever hold nor light up a cigarette, joint, etc.
but I must confess I've been taking xanax for a couple weeks.
and I can't even keep up with myself under it's effects.

I can't stop crying when I try to sleep. when I wake up.
when I eat. when I walk out alone to buy bread.
when driving. when playing music.
when I look myself in the mirror.

anytime, anywhere.
it just sprouts.
softly hard.
hardly soft.

I got a new job and lost it after 4 days due to my anxiety and uncontrollable sadness.
My psychiatrist put me a new anti depressant which I'm starting today.
and I feel like a fucking loser, slowly fading. un-blooming.

I'm so sorry for my parents and friends who have been trying to cheer me up.
I'm very fucking sorry for worrying everyone around me.
I'm sorry with myself, Javier.

I gave you everything.
I gave up on everthing for you.
I'm feeling worthless, and I'm giving up on myself now.

strange how the arms sting, when you're left holding nothing.

 

I guess it’s time for me to apply irl lessons into maple. Never try to explain something to someone who will never understands or to put it in precise, a person who will never ever try to understand.

 

I dun have much female friend, its like 95-5 for the proportion
Feel like male friends is easier accept my cwaziness

 

Tbh, I feel like slapping your face.

 

人言可畏

 

fuck man i miss you dre. you were my first homie in this server and helped me when i was a low ass level and took me on a zak run for a free helm. my fellow toronto man and habesha bredren. its been 5 years and i recently looked at our pms and miss you a ton man, wish i had a way of contacting you. hindsight is 20/20 but if i knew i wouldnt have a chance of talking to u again i wouldve solidified a way to contact you outside the game/forum. damn bro you were the realest in this entire server and probably all of em.

 

@me how are you this fucking dumb, so many ways you could have offered help

 

Still a tiny bit irritated that i brought 2 friends to come join in 2020 and they both "left". Reason being one of them was playing one day after he had a mcflurry and got MAJOR, i mean major diarehhea. So he goes to the bathroom then his 5 year old brother starts playing. After about 12 minutes into his 1 hour quest to demolish his toilet. His brother was knocking on the door saying his game went black only for him to come back to find himself banned. I explained to him that he can appeal but it would be hard to explain that his sibling was playing as ive heard stories about this in the ban appeal section tons of times. He thought the reasoning was so stupid it turned him off from the server and didnt even bother appealing because he thought it wasnt worth his time and effort. TBH i kind of agree with him. After my other friend heard the story, he left the server also.... :/

 

feels good to take a big shit and empty ya bowels

 

Arguing with stupid people is like trying to kill a mosquito on your cheek. You may or may not have killed it, but you’ll end up slapping yourself.

 

Guys in this game(not all of them) are so weird i swear. I’ve never seen such bizarre behavior from people acting like they’ve never seen nor talked to a girl before. Most of them either have this very negative attitude towards the girls/women or have this high sexual tension towards them. Gamer guys in general can never beat the ‘incel’ and ‘simp’ stereotype i swear. Very odd and not cute. Be better.