Get it off your chest!

When I was gone away for the weekend you caved in and started texting my phone, however, I left it at home, and didn't get your messages until Sunday afternoon. I told you I was leaving for the month of August and I wouldn't be here, you got really upset... You begged for me to come see you again, but secretly while I was away I was writing a (very long) email to you explaining what happened, and what caused my mistakes in the relationship. I was debating on sending it because our last conversation we had you told me you never wanted to see me again.
After reading my email, you messaged me back song lyrics from Passenger 'Let Her Go.'
I asked why you were sending me that and you responded with "Because I love you so much ____. That email invoked something inside of me.. I... I need you to know... I need to see you." You got on the bus to meet me, we didn't get back to our your apartment until 11pm. We spent the night cuddling on the couch and you cried so much, holding me tightly and telling me you want to take me to Edmonton with you (our original plan.. It wouldn't happen for a couple of years anyway.) How you want to marry me, and spend your life with me, etc.
We chased each other around with fly swatters, we sat in the shower all night long playing with the shower hose, we ate two tubs of ice cream while watching Supernatural on Netflix, you never let me go; you always had to be touching me, and we sat outside on the balcony overlooking the city and you cried saying you wished you never let me go.

We both knew the days were getting shorter, I had to be home sometime Wednesday, and neither of us wanted me to leave. A couple of hours before I had to go, I broke down. I sobbed into your chest and you held me on the bed, stroking my hair and telling me everything will be okay between us, and that you want to marry me still, have beautiful children with me, and whisk me away to Edmonton with you.
I made noises I didn't even think were possible, I wailed, ugly-sobbed, and made weird high-pitched noises when I tried to speak while you coddled me, holding back your tears.
The time eventually came, and I tried to leave the apartment door. You asked me why I wasn't going yet and I told you "because I don't have the strength to walk away from someone I love so much." (He had to walk away while he loved me when we were younger.)
You broke.
You just grabbed me and pulled me into your arms, sobbing.

You decided to bus with me to the terminal, and as our bus approached it, you became really silent and visibly upset while clinging to my hand, and pressing your head into the nape of my neck. When we got off the bus, you told me you didn't know what to do. Your friends and family all hated me, your friends told you if you ever got back with me they'd cut you off, your family said if you got back with me they'd disown you again, you didn't want them to leave you, yet you didn't want to leave me either.

"My friends and family hate you, they told me I'd lose their friendships if I got back with you" You had tears in your eyes, they were red and puffy.
"I want them in my life, and I've known my family longer than you.." Your words trembled, remembering the abuse they put you through when we dated.
"You are the love of my life ___, I mean it I will take you to Edmonton with me but that might be a couple years from now, and I feel so guilty seeing you in between. I will wait for you, I don't want anyone else but you, all I think about is you." Your eyes spoke to me, they were so pure and scared. You didn't want to let me go, but there wasn't any other choice.
"It isn't just about us ___, I know we'd be fine down the road but it's them, it's my friends and family. My family disowned me while we dated, my friends left me. I will lose them if we get back together. I already tried telling them you're working on yourself and maybe I'd give it another shot down the road. All of them said they would leave me, and I can't lose them too, but I can't lose you either." You started to sob, well aware of those around us. You didn't care.
"Even if I can't be with you, I'm going to be alone. If I can't have you then I don't want anyone else." I know you mean it. You stayed faithful to me throughout high school, we weren't even dating, let alone speaking to one another.
"It would be easier if I just let you go but I can't, you're the love of my life I just can't, but if I don't I'll lose everyone I care about. It'll make my friends happier and I won't be hurting you." I'll never forget that painful look in your eyes.
I said, "what about you? You won't be happy."
You didn't have any words to say, instead, you broke down again and pulled me in closer.

My bus approaches shortly after, as we wait for the people in front of us to get on, I start to feel another wave of sadness hitting me and the tears shortly followed afterward. You give me a kiss on the lips right at the door, and the bus driver says "Come on, give her a big kiss!" with a smile on his face. You pull me in and give me the biggest kiss imaginable. I fought back tears as you tell me 'I love you' for (possibly) the last time.
As I'm walking down towards the back of the bus, I hear you say "Oh fuck it" and you ran in after me, spinning me around and kissing me once more. Everyone smiled and the bus driver clapped. "She's going away for a month, I won't be able to see her," you said, (packing my bags for tomorrow morning as I type this) as you got off the bus and stood by my window.
The second I sat down I placed my bag on my knees and cried into it, everyone on the bus was silent. I heard you holler my name to get my attention, I looked over and heard you say "don't cry" and then you mouthed the words "I love you."
I smiled, and waved, mouthing back "I love you" too, waiting for you to be out of sight.

The second you were out of sight;
I cried even harder.

You texted me on the bus,
"You are and always have been the love of my life. I will whisk you away to Edmonton when the time comes."
You texted me when I got home, when I told you I'd be away for 3 weeks.
"I look forward to it."
"...?" (I sent this.)
"I look forward to seeing you when you come back, and to Edmonton. My love."

I'm so scared you're only saying it to make me happy. I have no idea what to believe anymore. You told me the last 3 times I ran back to you that you said everything just to make me feel better. So who's saying this time you really mean it? Your eyes told me that you are telling the truth, but I find it so hard to believe. I want to believe it, but I'm scared of being crushed. I want to have all the hope in the world that you mean it, but I'm scared of being consumed by darkness again. I don't know what to believe, I'm so scared either way. I don't want to lose you, especially to something that's out of our control. You're the love of my life, and clearly I'm the love of yours.
Please don't let friends and family come between us, we will find a way.