Get it off your chest!

It's lonely.

 

I took a dump, it looked like a dachs.

 

It's weird seeing a dead cow hanging from a tree outside.

 

Is your brain like, partially disconnected all around? Because it seems like whatever we have said doesn't connect in your head. Bloody dead stubborn.

 

I know you'll read this. Just wanted to say thank you. Meant a lot more than you probably think.

 

You're welcome

 

I have a very old clock radio, c. 1980. Occasionally, it starts picking up transmissions from somewhere and makes spooky static/Geiger counter noises, even turned off and with the volume all the way down. It's been doing it continuously for a week now. I'm going to have to unplug the damn thing. It does provide a rarified S.T.A.L.K.E.R./Fallout sort of ambience, but being awakened by that at 4 a.m. isn't exactly pleasant.

*flashbacks*

 

I dislike being outspoken by others especially when I am trying to get my point across. This doesn’t happen on one occasion, but on multiple occasions. I’d be making a comment and next thing you know, someone cuts you off mid-sentence and no one else cares about what you had to say. :/

 

Spoiler

At the darkest point in my life, you were my light. When I contemplated what it would be like to disappear, you were the one who kept me breathing. When I was lost, you helped me find my way. When I was up in the air, you were the one who kept me grounded. At one point, you were my everything. I loved you with all my heart, despite being broken and on the verge of a cliff, I loved you the only way I knew how. I didn't expect to be loved back, I knew you were different. You were blindingly, beautifully whole. You were generous with me and with everyone around you. You were at peace with yourself and you radiated with it. And like a moth to a flame, I gravitated towards you even if you were painfully honest; pointing out every single flaw that I refused to acknowledge, that I tried to hide. Pointing out every crack in my facade, my fake smiles, my fake laughs, and you asked me if I was happy. You asked me what my hopes and dreams were for the future and you asked if I loved myself. To those direct questions, to that gaze that never wavered, I had no answers. You realized what my silence meant and all you did was squeeze my hand and give me a hug. And you were my friend. Above everything, despite every dark and hateful thing about myself, you were there. Sometimes direct, sometimes comforting, but just there which was what I really needed most. And then I fell out of love with you and you were still there. Instead of a fleeting relationship that would never have worked out anyway, I thought you were there as my friend for life. You told me stories about yourself that you had never shared with anyone else and I did the same. We settled into a comfortable, stable friendship knowing everything about each other. I still remember years ago, when I would beg you to never leave me. And you promised you'd be around for as long as I wanted you as my friend.

Reassured by your presence and the trust that you'd always be there if I fell, I grew. I got the help I needed, I became stronger. I was still a big crybaby and I was still broken, but I was beginning to put the pieces back together. I fell again though, made a mistake, but you were there again to catch me. Disappointed, unhappy with my choices, but still there to lecture me and tell me what an idiot I was. And even knowing I had once again hit a point in my life where I had royally fucked up, I basked in the knowledge that I wouldn't be alone when I worked myself back out of it.

One day, when we argued as we were wont to do, you told me we weren't even friends. I know I've been hurt and shocked before, but I don't know if it has ever been to this extent. I think I trusted that childish promise I made you make, the one where I asked you to never leave me. Looking back, it was such a silly promise, unrealistic and childish. I wonder if I drove you away. I wonder if it was my fault and if the burdens of knowing me, being a friend to someone who was so broken took its toll. I wonder if I tainted your life with the darkness that surrounded me, when you were so blindingly light and whole. But even if it was my fault, I feel betrayed, I feel jealous of your new friend who monopolizes your attention, and I feel bitter when you ask me to help them out since they're in a tough spot in life. I need to shut the door on whatever that friendship was and what it meant to me, but it's hard when I see you and your new friend every week. I know you're not low enough to purposefully hurt me, but it almost feels like a taunt, mocking me whenever I see you with them. Seeing someone else in that spot next to you, laughing and teasing. And the only thing I can do is smile. Smile at you, smile at your new friend as you ask me to be friends with them as well because they need companionship, smile at everyone around us as my heart breaks inside. I'm better at it now though, smiling while my heart is shattered into a million pieces. Because that was my end of the promise. That no matter what, I would smile and be happy for you no matter what happened. I don't think either of us thought it would be quite in this context and you probably have no idea how much this is killing me inside, but I won't ruin this for you. Or for your new friend who I know is in need.

So I guess this is goodbye in a sense, even if it's only one-sided, since you've already said yours. I'm still trying to come to terms with it, but goodbye. My best friend, who knew me better than anyone else. My best friend, who probably saved my life. My best friend, three words that I'll never be able to use to describe you again. I sincerely pray that your life is a bit brighter, a bit happier, a bit lighter now. Thank you and goodbye.

 

I'm done helping latinos, as simple as that.

 

keep trying

 

Mood rn

 

The downtime will begin at 00:01 Server Time (GMT) and last for approximately 24 hours 42 hours 90 hours
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The patch has been extended for an additional 18 hours,
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The patch has been extended for an additional 48 hours,
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The patch has been extended for an additional 4 hours.

The patch has been extended for an additional 5 hours.

The patch has been extended for an additional 15000 hours sweetie

 

Something's are better left unsaid.

 

Well fuck.

 

I'm still learning to let go of people, like you, who meant so much to me. Everything's so nostalgic, and even so, I think it's for the better. You made me laugh and cry multiple times... it must have been the theme of this year for me.
I have no regrets for everyone I've met and spent time with and that includes you. I hope to talk to you again someday, it was a good year while it lasted.

 

I'm fucking petrified for what happens next.

 

unprofessional as usually lel
Next forum feature: hidden Ban Appeal section

 

Fucking hearing disability, ruined 2 calls from prospective employers today, and my interview for today. Why the fuck couldn't I be born normal, this is fucking tiring.