Get it off your chest!

Can finally take a break

 

Can't you see properly?!
Are you blind~!?

 

what do i do when i realise i'm being very clingy
i know it's a bad annoying trait but even when i distance myself from everyone i just can't stop wanting to be around someone anyone at all to fill up this void in myself
i don't want to be the center of attention, i just want a place where i'm needed, a place where i feel belonged
i'm socially akward so it's hard, sigh.
i don't know what am i typing, why can't i just be a normal person who doesn't even care of all of this and just enjoy life
what is wrong with me :/
...even when i write all of this, i know i have friends who care for me but i still feel empty inside and i just want to ditch everything hoping it'll help me reset my emotions only to realise now i have no one around me to call as a close friend.

please, if there is a god stop making me feel lonely when all i want is to not bother anyone at all, stop making me want things that i can't have.

 

What the heck~!!!

Spoiler: *thinks*

I wonder... is it wrong helping a friend?
Do I need to show the world, that I am helping a friend?
Do I need to report to anyone, that I am helping a friend?
Is there a place/organization I need to report to? On how I help a friend?
Do I need to keep track, how much pots I have given to help a friend?

 

I havent seen you in awhile, How has it been? Its been awhile.
Im not okay, not that you care, Im just passing the time.
Hey, I don’t think this is too bad, maybe we can start again?
Wait never-fucking-mind you’re still the same and so am I.
But lets pretend that were okay, is that okay? Just right now.
I miss your hand inside of mine, I miss the times we used to cry.
When mom was drunk and yours just sucked and everything was so sixteen.
And although I still see you around, its just not the same.

 

Oh no...I hope someone convinces me not to upgrade my GPU T-T literally got my comp 4 months ago.

RTX 2060 SUPER HERE I COME

 

I really wish they'd release a client for Mac!!

(Please )

 

Some people really take things for granted. If you want something, then work for it. Don't be a stuck up bitch and complain about things that happen when you're just giving minimal effort.

Man, if I could slap you through the internet I'd slap you with my 10inch black steel dildo.

 

Spoiler: It ain't pretty, so please only read it if you really want to find out what's been goin on in my life

Sometimes I feel like I'm just too nice to people, too forgiving, too easy to be manipulated into their will.
How can it be that I tolerate so much shit in my life without ever standing up for myself? Why do I let people fuck me in the ass again and again and again and again..
Eventually I will crack right? Eventually I will lose my mind, go crazy, scream and do something ridiculous.. I feel like that eventually is closer than it should be.

The last few months everything has just been falling apart and I've completely lost control over it. I remember this was supposed to be my big year, the year where I was going to work on contract again for the first time since the doctors had declared me incapable of performing labor a few years prior. At first I felt my body was strengthening, I was filled with motivation, I was eating well, I even had a social life going on.. But then one step at a time it all started to collapse again. The leak in my roof reappeared, causing more damage than ever before, and once again my landlord has refused to fix it for months and months and months. Said leak has caused my room to be divided, as the centre of the room can not be accessed for days when it has rained, which means I've had to move all my furniture away from there and can rarely ever access my wardrobe. My 500 euros camera died to the leak, bunch of important papers died to the leak, lost 10+ year old drawings to the leak, lost half of the floor board to the leak.. and yet I refused to scream at my landlord for letting it be this way. I was actually looking to find a new room a few months ago, when it was prime time to find a new room since old students were moving out of rooms and new ones moving in.. however then my landlord told me about this golden plan he had where he would renovate and improve the room I live in, and I would receive this upgrade for free if I would just survive the leak a lil longer and be willing to live in a different room for a few weeks when the renovating would be happening. So I cancelled looking for a new room because I thought there'd be light at the end of the tunnel for the room I was currently in ! but boy was that a lie. A week ago I got told that plans had changed, and that he wanted to rent the room I live in for way more money and thus I would be forced to move out.. and I just couldn't believe it. I've suffered so fucking much from the leak, I've given up the opportunity to move out, I've literally been tricked into staying and for what.. some fucking bullshit top 10 animé betrayal that will fuck me in the ass.

But hey, that's just my housing situation. Surely my work life is fine right? Oh right, that part is also terrible. Imagine being only 60% capable of performing labor, and thus only working the 22 hours you're allowed to, yet often being forced to work overtime and not having received money for the overtime since January. After begging and begging and begging and begging to please get my overtime hours paid, they agreed to pay them split over 2 months.. except they also only want to pay me for roughly 60% of the overtime I've worked. Just fucking great dude. At the same time I've had this evaluation with my boss and I told him my current job was pretty tough for me, since it's a lot of heavy physical labor, and he agreed that he noticed it was too hard for me as well. So you'd think there'd be a solution right? But somehow the solution I got tricked into is still working the same heavy physical labor job for 22 hours, but also add 8 hours a week of other work to it. And to make the deal even better, instead of just allowing me a regular work schedule, I'm expected to work monday til nearly midnight to then start work on tuesday in the early morning. Oh boy do I enjoy my 6 hours of sleep, so generous thank you ! This has really been the solution I was looking for, to work myself into the ground even faster than I already was !

So my housing situation and work situation are both giga crap atm, and it's just done so much harm to my mind and body. In the last few months I've wasted roughly 1000 euros of my saved up money on ordering food because I've not had the energy anymore to go out to the stores to buy food to then come home and cook it. This fun stress eating habit has made me gain 12 kilos in weight, which is a lot considering I used to only weigh 70 ! So now I can enjoy being fat, being tired, oh and having a neck injury that has spiraled out of control and now I cant lift my arms higher than my shoulders ! boy my life is so fun, what did I do to deserve all of this? Did I piss someone off on a videogame and he sent a karma demon after me or something? Like I know I can still turn this situation around.. but it costs so much energy, so much willpower, and a drastic change in attitude.. and I just don't know right now if I have it in me or not. I walked by the kitchen tonight and the kitchen knife was whispering me to hug him, and at that point I realised that my mind is going to that place again. That place that is so fucking dangerous for me to be in, that I try to stay out of, but it's trying to pull me in as life is treating me poorly. I'll survive, I think, so no worries. I'm not here to cry for help, I just really really need to get some shit off my chest, and maybe a public forum isn't the best place for it, but then again this is a get it off your chest thread. Oh boy, while the joy has been sucked out of my life the last few months, I do want to say that I'm truly grateful for my friends that have been there for me, for those that have been hanging out with me irl, or have been chatting with me, have been playing games with me or w/e.. Without you guys, I would not be strong enough to tolerate this much bullshit and letting people walk over me on a daily basis. It's time for me to change, I think, and hopefully I can fix most if not all of my problems. Anyway, time for me to prepare for work again !

 

I tried my very best to see the good in you and not listen to others - but now, I’m starting to regret it. Everything you said then and now are just completely empty words with no meaning/feeling.

I should’ve listened to the warnings, oh well.

Hope you’re happy, “babe”~

 

What's with all the scammers nowadays?

 

13092019
My BFF passed away from a car accident.
If only I texted him. If only I weren't too lazy to just say "WOI off tomorrow?"
Then maybe this won't happen.
I lost a person who love me and is always there for me.
I didn't see him for months cause I was busy. Too many excuses.

And now I will never ever see him again.

 

oh shit that's really sad.

now for my own thing that's just dumb compared to hers.
i miss wish i had more free time to play royals again.. haven't played in over 8 months.

 

Spoiler: Fleeting

Quiet, selfless
Ever so ready
to humour my whims
A constant presence
An extended hand
Never thought
That we would end
But here we are
As quick as it started
The light is gone
The light is gone.

 

Ash actually won the League. Holy fucking shit...

 

Spoiler: Teaching is the most noble profession.

Teaching is the most noble profession. I hear that a lot and I truly, sincerely believe it. It's absolutely amazing. And I hope to hold on to this... naive(?) optimism and energy and belief.

But man. Being a first-year teacher sucks. It's not the shit; it's shit. And I feel like I'm always on the brink of burning out. But I'm not the type to burn out, so I won't. But ugh it sucks.

It's still noble. But... it's not as elegant as everyone makes it out to be. Whether that's everyone praising the teachers or the teachers making it seem so... easy. Because it's hard. And some days I just really, really hate kids.

I can't think like that though. Because that's what I signed up for. It's my job. To make these kids (who(m?) I really, really hate sometimes) love learning.

 

A friend of mine told me about a competition. The creator and a couple of his mates, won.... won their own competition.
First place is a large money pot xDDD. Oh look, we won our own competition. No prices guys sorry.

That is the most retarded, cringy crap I have seen in a very long time. I got stage 3 cancer reading it.