Get it off your chest!

I want to slap my mother in law for coming to visit and being so horrible to her daughter my wife.

 

It is one of those weeks. When everything is just not quite right, between tough time at work, and then friends on Maple dropping off, it feels desolate and grim with the way things are. Yet still, I stand resolute through even through all the pangs of loneliness and hurt because... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Well, I am tempted to say not just stronger, but invincible!

 

It is 8pm over here. My roommates have been out for around 1hour. Decided to take a nap, off the lights, lie down on my bed, close my eyee.

*3 seconds later* he is back. Fuck!

 

The feeling of loneliness that haunts you at night that keeps you awake on your bed, as you stare at a blank space.
Wonder if anyone cares about you as much as you care for them... all the what if's going through your head.. as you're left alone with your own dark thoughts, as your other conscience tries to reason out with you. Tries to calm you down, tells you why this is all happening all of a sudden...
As the high tide slowly gets low... you cry it all the frustrations and stress in your life... at last you let your chest to breathe.. and letting yourself sleep in peace.

*The war with ourselves* *The peaceful cry* *Sleeping at dawn*
Crying isn't all bad...

-my anxiety

 

I don't like that my mental well-being hinges on a possibility of something happening, when that possibility may or may not actually exist. I've been tolerant of that, but vague "signs" keep popping up to suggest that possibility is a delusion, and as a result, I've been unhealthily paranoid lately. It's getting exhausting.

 

Spoiler

i never asked you to get me attached to you

 

the devil tried to get me, tried to push my buttons tried to press me, tried to catch me with the blade but i aint wesley...

true story.

 

Alex Aiono...make me a milf. LET ME HAVE YO BABIES

 

I honestly believed you couldn't get any more mentally challenged, but boy, did you sure prove me wrong.

 

why the fuck are you messaging me.

 

I have something I need to get off my chest that can only be explain through a good internet forum ;P

Its gonna be a long story so ill leave it in a spoiler as not to spam

Spoiler

Okay guys, So basically 4 years ago on the 10th of September I joined college (typically on my birthday :/) and as a A-grade student I went into college intelligent and confident enough to be able to achieve the courses i was doing; which were A-level maths, Psychology, physics, and electronics. Up until I'd joined college I'd been massively into rock climbing, skydiving, and other adventure activities so I was fit.
Well, first day I went I was hungover from my birthday, which I had the day before (not smart but i was young so fuck it lol) and everything started to go downhill from there.

I started doing multiple different drugs and going out out almost daily and everything escalated rather quickly. I quickly found myself addicted to cocaine, pills, and making friends with the wrong kind of people. At the time I was constantly high and drunk so I didn't care it was all fun..... that was until I quit college. Quitting college was kinda funny I was in maths and the teacher looked at me and insantly knew i was on something, I cant remember what I was on, but at the time he had elephant ears and sausage roll fingers so I couldnt stop laughing. He called in the Head and she took me into a room and just watched me tripping out. I dont know how long I was in there but it felt like a whole day, the whole thing was long! so eventually I come out of the trip and realise where I am, I look at her-she looks at me. She asks me what I was on, too which I tell her to fuck off which quickly led to my expulsion
Operation fuck my life up: stage 1 complete

Now, this is where everything gets really bad. I had grown quite attached to my friends in college (I'd do drugs with people in college and go out with a different group of people) I stuck around the friends from college (Jay-my best friend, Shaun-the funny one, Kirstie-my girlfriend (who I was not loyal too at all which I completely regret, as you'll soon understand) and introduced them too my friends from outside of college. Shaun didnt like them and he was very quick to change friendships; I guess he was also the smart one. Jay genuinely liked them and Kirstie only pretended to like them cause I did. With all the extra time I had from not going college anymore I hung around James, Aaron, and the person no one knew the name of, we just called him The Shaman a lot more. None of us had a source of income and usually we'd go days without eating. Enough was enough, I didn't want this lifestyle anymore. Being poor and weak, pathetic! We had to harden up. We had to put in work. We had to get strong so we'd never go hungry again. We started off small, stealing sweets and cans from corner shops. It wasn't enough, I had the idea of going into HMV and connecting all our phones up to bluetooth speaking turning them up on full and playing the dirtiest dubstep tunes we could find. Amidst all the chaos that usually happened from this we got Kirstie to go around taking the security tags off certain items whilst no one noticed. Once they'd sorted out the music issue and trying to figure out who done we'd all scatter and pick up as much of the loot as possible. This was very effective for a short period of time. We was earning money! in a month each of us had a total of 1.2kish we could eat, drink, and get high as much as we wanted it was the great life but like every human we wanted more. We started using online black markets to buy drugs in bulk, we also bought weapons as well. Shaman hated this, he only went with stealing because he had too but this was too far.
Operation fuck my life up: stage 2 complete

We was all in a bad way, Jay and Kirstie had both left college as well thinking the lifestyle we had now would last forever. Aaron and James loved the lifestyle. We started to make big connections with all the drug dealers in our area, we had started to make a name for ourselves and boy was we screaming our name as loud as we could. As you can probably guess drug dealers aren't the most friendly people to work with, which is why we had the guns which we weren't afraid to use. we started making more and more moves to make more and more money until before you know it we was raking in almost 50k each month! I thought I was a god being able to go wherever I wanted being able to do anything I wanted and get anything. This is when Shaman left us, he said he didn't want to keep on making the decisions we were forced to make. We didn't care our crew was hard! Well not as hard we thought we were.... things started to get complicated when rival drug dealers wanted what we had.
On the 20th of February 2014 it happened. The moment that will open my eyes to everything I had become. I was out with James, Kirstie, and Jay, the clubs had just closed and we was on our walk home when I heard the distinct roar of a twin turbo v8. I turn around the check out this beauty of a car, by time I've turned around and calibrated my drunk vision the car had sped off and I was left too look at a pool of blood covering the floor in front of me, I follow the trail of blood back to the body of my best friend. Jay had died. I didn't have time to say goodbye to him. The only reason he was brought into that world was through me. I took him from a harmless stoner and transformed him into a mindless drugged up thug. I had killed him long before he died and I didn't get the chance to say sorry... I still have nightmare to this day about that night and I still wear that gold chain he gave me as a birthday present as a reminder of what potential I have within me. The evil that I hide from the world. The days I do not speak of... this whole story summed up into a possession.

To whoever actually read all that, thank you. There is so much more to the story and it doesn't end with Jays death, that was just the beginning of a whole new life.


(I will add the rest of the story because honestly it feels so good just to be able to type it out in front of me... I dont know why I didnt do it sooner :L)

 

Spoiler: Fuck me

I shouldn't have given you a second chance. Fuck you for being such a liar.

Fuck me for being such a soft hearted person..

 

You bitches who refuse me into boss runs OR guilds SPECIFICALLY because I am a bucc can vanish into thin air F5 I don't give a 2-bit flying monkey fuck about whether you think I have no dmg I'll white your ass quicker than a cumshot yo get at me what what what F5

 

People who spawn in your map steal your pie ingriedents/claws or other drops and quickly disappear again..

 

When you regret practically every decision you have ever made and someone says "Your past makes you who you are today" but that doesn't help because you fucking hate yourself.

 

Spoiler

I don't know if you feel the way I do

 

I wonder how many catfishers* there are on this server...and how many people have been catfished*.....and how many people are currently being catfished*..

Sorry. Just found out about this show called Catfish!

 

A customer just told me he doesn't want to give me access to his server because of privacy and personal reasons yet he offers to give Teamviewer access to his computer, to fix his server. Fucking irony.

 

I'm so fucked.. #fuckfinals..

 

Tbh same. Finals are depressing. I've been pulling all-nighters and tonight's my last one (all-nighter #3). One more final tomorrow at 11 AM, and 10-page paper due at 7 PM too.

Feels.
Bad.
Man.

But it'll pay off. At least, I sincerely hope so. Because otherwise... I'd be fucking donezo lol.

...